Happy Times with Naruto
by Naruto3110
Summary: Join Naruto as he goes on stupid and idiotic quests to answer the questions of life.... or at least HIS questions on life. CRACK
1. Happy Times with Toads

Happy Times With Naruto

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

This is just a crack story my brother(shikamarus brain) and I came up with.

Beware of extreme retartedness.

Ch.1 Happy Times with Toads

"Hmmm, so what your saying Mr. Fat frog, is that I have heart burn because there is a Flaming, Nine Tailed Fox living inside me that is trying to take over my body?" Ask our stupid, unpredictable, hero: Uzumaki Naruto.

The cubby little yellow toad, Gamatatsu, nodded his head up and down exuberantly and waited for his much wanted toad treat for answering another one of Naruto's idiotic questions.

"I don't know….. I always thought you got heart burn from something you ate, not giant flaming nine tailed fox's…" replied the now confused ninja.

In fear of not getting his treat, Gamatatsu quickly yell, "Nononono, your talking about…er….heart _blaze!_"

"Ooohhhh, well that makes sense. Here's your frog treat little buddy." Naruto said as he tossed his toad summon a brown toad shaped cookie stuffed with insects.

Said frog quickly jumped in the air to snag his treat only to miss and hit a wall. From there he slowly and painfully slid down until he ended up on Naruto's bed.

Rubbing his head he looked up in horror as the small toad saw his summoner's butt coming down on him in slow motion! "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the yellow toad yelled as he was squashed and then proceeded to poof out of existence.

All while this was happening Naruto was wondering where the hell Gamatatsu was! "Hmmmm, now where is he?" a small cracked lightbulb appeared above his head as it slowly blinked until it shown a dim light. "I know I'll just resummon him and he'll appear right under my hand!

Making the correct hand seals he summoned Gamatatsu only to see he looked a little squashed…and angry….at him…

Well, he didn't really care what he did to make his summon angry, since he had an extremely important and urgent question that HAD to be answered!

"Mr. Fat frog, Mr. Fat frog I have a REALLY important questioned that NEEDS to be answered now!" Naruto yelled as he wildly waved his arms in the air to stress how important this was.

"Well, what is it?...and I better get TWO treats since this is suppose to be such an important question." answered Gamatatsu.

"Where do babies come from?!?" the orange clad ninja yelled, "I gotta know!"

'_Uh Oh, I don't know this one either…. I'm gonna have to make something up totally original, unheard of, and untestable so he can't prove me wrong' _Thought our fat little toad.

"And don't tell me the stork, Kakashi-sensei told me that but every single stork I found didn't have any babies with them! Not only that but they all ganged up on me and beat me up!" the future Hokage shuddered at the memory.

'_Crap, there goes plan A, luckily I have a plan B!' _Gamatatsu thought to himself.

"Nope, they come from flying super penguins!" the little toad yelled excitedly. He then proceeded to open his mouth ready for his treat. What he received instead was silence. Opening one eye he was hit by the look of Naruto starring at him like he was stupid.

"I may be stupid but I KNOW that babies don't come from flying super penguins…" the demon container said in a monotone voice.

"er…..yea they do?"

"No they don't"

"Uh Huh"

"Nu uh"

"Uh huh"

"Nu uh"

"Uh huh"

"Uh huh"

"Nu uh"

"Ha! I got you, I knew you were lieing!" Naruto yelled.

"crap…..cheater" was all the little toad had to say.

"Well if you don't know then I'm gonna have to get someone more resourceful." Naruto thought out loud.

"Who?" asked Gamatatsu completely stumped and wondering how the hell Naruto even KNEW what resourceful meant!

The yellow toad looked back at Naruto to see he was surrounded by hundreds of summoned toads and was jumping around the room asking all the toads where babies come from.

10 minutes later….

"Okay, okay settle down everyone" said Naruto as he tried to quiet the crowd of talking toads who continuously repeated "ramble ramble ramble" so it _seemed _like they were saying something important but actually weren't.

Once they finally had quieted down Naruto proceeded to say "As you all know you have all been brought here to answer a VERY important question."

"Ramble ramble ramble." replied the crowd.

"Yes, very nice." the blue eyed boy said then continued his explanation "Now that all you have voted Gamakichi will tally the votes."

Said toad saluted and then began reading off a piece of paper full of random scribbles or as he likes to call it "toad writing".

"We got 43 votes for the stork, 32 for the sky, 37 for Santa claus, and 234 for super flying penguins!" announced Gamakichi. The crowd of toads responded by cheering.

"Wait! We also have ONE vote for……girls or "females" the orange toad yelled over the crowd.

"BOOOOO, who's the idiot who said that!" cried the crowded.

"Yea, who's stupid enough to believe that crap!!!" screamed a random toad.

A small blue toad shakily rose his hand and was thrown out the window by the mass of angry toads.

"Well now that that's over…….SUPER FLYING PENGUINS WIN!" Announced Gamakichi.

"YEAAAAA!!!" screamed the crowd. They then all proceeded to poof away leaving Gamatatsu and Naruto alone.

"Well I guess you were right Mr. Fat frog, here's 3 treats for the trouble." Said Naruto as he tossed said toad 3 treats.

"Told ya so." Grinned the yellow toad as he jumped to catch his snacks only to miss….again and hit the wall…again….and then slide down slowly and painfully…again.

Well you know the rest…

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

We do not hate Naruto, he's actually one of our favorite characters, its just fun to mess with him along with all the other characters we plan on sticking in this story. If you like extremely random and stupid stories like this one, you can visit my brother profile(shikamarus brain)


	2. Happy Times with Hinata

CH. 2

Happy Times With Hinata

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto

Despite the fact that the toads said babies came from flying super penguins Naruto wasn't so sure…… he decided he needed to consult with someone else to be safe.

About 5ft away Hinata was "making sure nothing happened to Naruto" cough stalking cough and was currently hiding behind a fence. 'Oh, Naruto-kun, why don't you love me!' the shy girl thought to herself. Suddenly she saw a 5 year old girl approach Naruto to ask if he had seen her cat. 'That bitch! Trying to steal my man from me!' the not so sane girl thought to herself….

She then proceeded to rush onto the scene and yell "Stay away from Naruto-kun you freak!" The 5 year old girl suddenly got teary eyed before running off and crying… 'That's right, run bitch!' the hyuuga thought to herself.

"Wow Hinata! I didn't know-" "That I was so brave?" Hinata interrupted with sparkly eyes.

"Er….no I was going to say mean….." Naruto replied.

"Oh.." the girl replied her hair covering her eyes.

"Hey, Hinata I was wondering…..do babies come from flying super penguins?" The orange clad ninja asked.

"Um…n-no" The dark hair girl replied returning to her shy state.

"Oh..well do you know where…" Naruto inquired.

Hinata face suddenly lit up 'This is my chance!' she then mustered up the sexiest look she could give "Um….yes Naruto-kun...would you like…..a demonstration?"

Naruto completely oblivious to what she was trying to do and somewhat freaked out by the look she was giving him replied "Er…no…I think I'm just gonna…HEY LOOK! IS THAT….er….A……er... 'What does Hinata like...' ……er…IS THAT A PURPLE HIPPO!" Hey you got to give him props, this is Naruto we're talking about here.

As soon as Hinata turned her head Naruto sprinted away in the opposite direction.

Hinata realizing that Naruto had made a run for it suddenly started chasing him while yelling things like "NO! Naruto-kun come back! I just want you INSIDE ME!!!"

Naruto's sprint suddenly increased ten-fold 'INSIDE HER! HOLY CRAP SHE'S GOING TO EAT ME!' the idiot thought to himself completely misunderstanding what the Hyuuga was trying to say.

Sadly for Naruto, every time he ran twice as fast Hinata just run 4 times faster….

"Please Naruto! I want you're babies!!!!"

"No! You're not going to eat my babies too!" he suddenly stopped, halting in place. "Wait…I don't have babies…that's right! I'm trying to find out where they come from!"

As soon as Naruto stopped Hinata glomped him and proceeded to kissing him all over his body.

'Oh no! She's tasting me!' "Wait, stop Hinata! I don't taste good!! Please don't eat me!" The orange clad ninja practically begged.

His pleads were left unheard as the now insane girl began dragging him towards her house...and then too her room….

"Ughhhh…where am I?" Naruto asked no one in particular. He looked around to see he was on a bed in an almost too neat room….

Suddenly Hinata's face blocked his vision. "Hello Naruto-kun! I'm going to rape you!" She said WAY too happily. The blond suddenly noticed his face was well EVERYWHERE inside her room. In fact even pictures of relatives and family had his face pasted over theirs…

"Um…Hinata…why is my fa- WHAT! RAPE ME!" Naruto suddenly yelled. Just then he noticed his situation a little better. He wasn't just on the bed, he was TIE to the bed with ropes….and he wasn't in his normal cloths…..he was in his boxers… 'This can't be good' Naruto thought to himself.

Just when Hinata was about to kiss him again the blue eye boy yelled "Wait! Wouldn't you like to…er….go have a bath or something…..you know so you're not…er….dirty?"

Hinata grinned "You're right Naruto-kun, I'm going to go freshen up." She then headed towards the bathroom.

Naruto sighed in relief. 'I'm not sure what rape means….but judging from my situation...and what I've heard…it can't be good…' The Kyuubi container then noticed his Kunai holster was conveniently near his right hand. Stretching his arm he was able to grab it and began freeing his right limb. Once that was done he cut all the ropes and quickly put on his clothes, before jumping out the window and running off.

Once he was about a mile away he began lazily walking in a random direction. 'I might as well go home' he thought.

Suddenly he heard a scream "NARUTO-KUN!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!!"

His eyes widened and he suddenly thought to himself. 'Then again I think I'm going to go practice with my team…….not for protection…nonono…Uzumaki Naruto's not afraid of anything!...it's for….for the sake of training!' The blond convinced himself while scurrying off to the bridge where team 7 always met.

Again we don't hate Naruto or Hinata, it's just fun to make fu of them.


	3. Happy Times with Team 7

Happy Times With Naruto

Ch. Happy Times With Team 7

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto

Naruto ran towards the bridge to "train" with team 7, that's right he was "wanted" to "train" with team 7 today. In fact, the thought of using team 7 as protection from Hinata never crossed his mind…

"NARUTO-KUN! WHERE ARE YOU!" yelled a certain Naruto obsessed Hyuuga.

The yelled caused Naruto to run 4 times faster…..okay who was he kidding, he had to hide! And while he was doing that he might as well find out where babies came from as well.

When the bridge was finally in sight, the blond notice Sakura was trying to get Sasuke's attention…again…for the one millionth time… and as usually Sasuke was being his emo self and ignoring her…

"Hey Sasuke-kun! Want to go on a date after training?!?" The bubble gum haired girl squealed.

No answer…

"What about we do some extra training?" she asked a little more quietly.

Still no reply…but there was an eye twitch…

"Well, can you at least answer me…?" She begged.

Sasuke's head slowly turned towards her. His eye was twitching and he was holding a Kunai to his throat. His head suddenly began twitching as he threatened "IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD, I SWEAR I'LL DO IT!"

Sakura was about yell but stopped herself, remembering what Sasuke said.

Sasuke suddenly turned back to normal.

Naruto walked onto the bridge and saw the Uchiha had a kunai in his hand. The blond then asked "Sasuke-teme, threatened to kill himself again?" as if it was a normal everyday thing.

Sakura nodded, not daring to say a word.

"He said he'd do it if you talked?" the orange clad ninja questioned.

Sakura nodded again.

Naruto grinned and patted the onyx eyed boy on the back "Ah, good old emo Sasuke-teme."

The Uchiha raised his kunai at the gesture before Naruto laughed heartily "I was just kidding Sasuke. Anyway, we all know you're too much of an emo pussy to actually do it."

Sasuke growled before lowering the weapon.

As this was happening, Sakura was going though her Sasuke picture collection. Right now she was at the Sasuke in the shower part….

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Back at his home, Kakashi was in fetal position, rocking back and forth while repeating "It's okay Kakashi, everything will be fine, I'll just go to the bridge and those ev- I mean wonderful little genin of mine will be normal… that's right, I'll just keep telling myself this until it's true." And that's what he did…for the next 2 hours, trying to convince himself he had a completely normal not insane team.

In fact this is what he did everyday. He'd wake up from nightmares of team 7 ripping him limb from limb, he'd then take a shower, brush his teeth and eat breakfast while repeating the mantra "You're teams normal, you're teams normal, you're teams normal." And then, just as he's about to leave, the masked ninja would break down and spend the next 2 hours convincing himself that nothing messed up was going to happen today….and you wonder why Kakashi's always late…

2 hours later…

In a swirl of leaves Kakashi appeared before team 7 all while repeating his mantra in his head 'I have a normal team'

"YOU'RE LATE!" yelled Sakura, then turned back to her Sasuke plushy collection.

Kakashi's eye twitched at the sight before telling himself 'Normal team, I have a normal team…'

He then looked to see Naruto talking to a rock…

"Hey rock, you know where babies come from?" the orange clad ninja asked.

Silence…

Naruto glared "Well?" the rock once again didn't reply.

Naruto's glare intensified "Playing the quiet game, eh? Well, I know how to deal with that!" he then proceeded to try to kick the rock but instead missed and landed on his butt…

"YOU TRIPPED ME! OHHHH IT'S ON!!!" the blond idiot declared. He then started to break dance…."Beat that!"

The wind tipped the rock over…… Naruto's eyes almost popped out off his sockets 'That was the best move I've ever seen!' "NOOOOOO! I'VE BEEN DEFEATED!!!" Naruto declared on his knees while yelling to the sky…. 'Heh, heh, heh that's called dramtical effect…'

Kakashi twitched 'Normal team! I have a normal team!!!'

The then turned towards Sasuke to see he had a Kunai to his neck.

"I'M GONNA DO IT!" the emo boy yelled before smiling "I'm just kidding." Then 3 seconds later.. "I'M SERIOUS THIS TIME!" He yelled before smiling again "No, no, I'm not going to do it. 3 more seconds later.. "THIS IS IT! I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!" before he could say he wasn't Kakashi suddenly yelled "Will you shut up!!! We all fuckin' know you're too much of a Fuckin' Emo pussy to do ANYTHING!"

Naruto started laughing "HAHAHAHA! SASUKE JUST GOT TOLD!"

Kakashi's eye twitched before turning to his blued eyed genin "AND YOU!!!" The jounin pointed menacingly "DO YOU EVER!!! USE THAT LITTLE TINY BRAIN OF YOURS! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?! IS IT YOU'RE BRAIN RUNS ON DAIL UP OR SOMETHING!?!?!"

Naruto's face lit up "I have a brain!?! This is great!!!"

Sakura suddenly screeched "No you don't baka! If you did then you would know Sasuke is better than you at EVERYTHING! In fact I think Sasuke should be the supreme ruler of the UNIVERSE!!!"

Kakashi couldn't help but start strangling the girl while yelling "WILL YOU EVER STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT EMO FAGGOT! HE'S GAY!!! GET OVER IT!?!?"

Kakashi then started foaming from the mouth while screeching nonsense about how one day he would kill them all!!!

About 10 seconds into his rant Naruto suddenly said to Sakura "Wow, he's really mad today, he usually gives up by this point." Sakura nodded before turning to Sasuke "When do you think it will end" Sasuke had a Kunai to his throat while twitching "If he doesn't stop in the next 15 seconds I'm really going to kill myself!"

Just as the 15 seconds was about to pass two large men in white suits carrying a large needle came by and suppressed Kakashi. "Thanks for calling Naruto." One said before dragging Kakashi back to the Happy house.

Said boy saluted "Just doing my job!"

Seeing that there sensei was being taken away…again… team 7 dispersed to go live on with their own miserably lives.

As Naruto walked towards the ramen stand, he suddenly wondered 'Now why did I go to practice today.' He then heard a yell "NARUTO-KUN! YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! I WILL FIND YOU!!!"

The blond's eyes suddenly widened 'Oh, yea, that's why!' before running off to find help.

Once again we don't hate any...well most of the characters we make fun of.


	4. Happy Times with Shino

Happy Times With Naruto

Ch.4 Happy Times with Shino

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto, or the Matrix

As Naruto fled from Hinata he ended up in the middle of a park. That's when he realized…he was surrounded!!!

Naruto's eyes narrowed before pointing at a random flower "You think you're so great! There's no way I'll let you defeat me 'cause I'm gonna become Hokage!" the Uzumaki prepared to throw a shuriken at the innocent flower when he suddenly turned "You trying to sneak up on me you tree!" That's when he heard it….The evil laughing of his arch rival!!! Quickly turning to the left the orange clad ninja pointed menacingly at a near by blue berry bush "Stop mocking me!!!"

Naruto fell to his knees while yelling dramatically "Nooooo there are too many! What do I do!?!"

To a by stander (namely Shino) Naruto appeared to be yelling random nonsense to random inanimate objects causing them to automatically decide he was too much of an idiot to waste there time on…but to Shino, he was not. Shino knew exactly what was happening though he would not say…at least…not now. Instead he chose to continue observing the idiotic ninja.

An old cracked light bulb suddenly appeared above Naruto's head slowly blinking until it shown a dim light. "I know! Kage bushin no jutsu!" suddenly a Naruto clone appeared beside the blond.

The demon container quickly turned to his clone and yelled "We're surrounded! You know what to do!"

"I do?" the clone replied scratching his head in confusion.

"Yea! You know, the plan!" Naruto said excitedly.

"You actually made a plan?" the clone questioned not quite believe him…

"Yea! You know! Alpha B 49 double 00!" Naruto said dramatically.

"Ohhhhhhhh! That plan!" the clone said nodding before suddenly jumping in the air, while the background became a blur of blue and white. "Prepare to meet you're doom blue berry bush! AHHHHHHH!" suddenly every thing became normal except Naruto's clone now had a pair of sun glasses on…

"That's it? I thought I made a better plan than that…."

"Nope that's the best you could think of…."

"Crap…well maybe you're actually dumber than me….and you did the plan wrong! That's it! I'll just make more until one of them gets it right!"

3 minutes later…

There was suddenly about 100 Naruto's all wearing sunglasses…. Naruto sighed before preparing to make more clones…that is, until Shino arrive on the scene.

"Naruto, come with me! We are not safe here…" Shino said in monotone.

"Well DUH! We're surrounded by blueberry bushes!" the blue eyed boy replied.

"No….when I said we are not safe I meant you are not safe……AGENT SMITH!!!" Shino said in monotone before shouting the last part.

"Eh?" Naruto replied confused… "Are you sure you got the right person….I'm Naruto.."

Shino's eyes narrowed "Do not toy with me Smith, you can clone your self AND you have those cool sunglasses. This means that you can be no other than…AGENT SMITH!"

"You already said that…" Naruto replied…

"I know, but I had to repeat it just incase you didn't get it the first time…NOW! Prepare to die!" suddenly hundreds of bugs came from shino's body and headed towards the clones.

Before they even made it half way, Naruto suddenly shouted "Woah, woah, woah, woah….woah…..woah…………………..woah…. who are you suppose to be anyway?"

"I'm Neo of course…" Shino replied as if it were obvious while pointing to his sunglasses.

"You can't be Neo…..Neo doesn't control bugs, he does that slow-mo thing, you know "the matrix"." Naruto explained.

Shino suddenly stopped and got into a thinking pose "It seems that you are correct Smith…..very well. Do you choose to squash the red spider or the blue spider? Shino said while placing two boxes labeled "Blue spider" and "Red spider" in front Naruto.

"Eh!?! What are you talking about Shino!?!" Naruto questioned frantically.

"You can either choose to squash the blue spider and you'll go back to you're normal life stuck on the spider web…or you can squash the red spider and see how big the spider web really is…" Shino explained in a low pitched black guy voice…

"No, no, no I meant who are you now?" Naruto asked

"Isn't it obvious?" the bug user replied.

"No…." replied our idiot hero.

"I'm Morpheus" Shino explained.

"How can you be Morpheus? You're not black" Naruto asked, more confused than ever.

"Look, just choose to squash the blue or the red spider!" Shino almost yelled, but didn't actually since he never does.

"Well….red's closer to orange than blue….so I'll squash the red spider!" Naruto then lifted his foot and squashed the box which held the red spider in it.

Suddenly the world span around him until everything went pitch black. Naruto slowly opened his eyes to the sight of………..well actually everything was exactly the same…

"Er…." Naruto began but was interrupted by Shino's speech.

"Yes I know…it's horrible. This is the world in the year 2199 where giant spiders rule the human race capturing them and sticking them into "the web" which is no more than a giant spider web that keeps human occupied as it absorbs human blood to keep the spiders alive…. If you have not noticed there are no bugs around….this is because we humans tried to eliminate them so the spiders would die without a food source…as you can see...it did not work." Shino explained while shuddering at the "destroy all bugs" part.

"What the hell? Shino are you ok? or are you just screwin' with me?" Naruto said while raising a brow.

"I'm not screwing with anyone SMITH! I'm trying to show you the horrors of the Giant spider world!!!" Shino screamed before suddenly throwing his arm around wildly and foaming from the mouth.

"Yea…..I'm just…gonna...er….go hang out over there.." Naruto said slowly and turned to run before falling over someone.

Looking down Naruto suddenly realized it was Hinata… "Oh shniz nuts…"


End file.
